We Are Hardwired To Connect

Neuroscientists have shown that our well-being depends on our connection to others. In fact, we are ‘hardwired to connect’.  Since our relationships with our children are some of the most important relationships we will ever have, why not create opportunities to nurture those connections, to nurture our children’s well-being?

I define connection as the energy that exists between people when they feel seen, heard, and valued; when they can give and receive without judgment; and when they derive sustenance and strength from the relationship.
~ Brené Brown

One way to connect with your children is to have regular family meetings. We started this weekly tradition when our youngest was a toddler. We met over dessert after Sunday dinner.

Need ideas on how to structure the meeting? We started with appreciations, which my husband and I modeled for the children, helping us all exercise our gratitude muscles. One of my fondest memories was watching our youngest give just one appreciation, to his best bud – our big white cat, Marshmellow.  We ended our meetings with a group hug (at least until they were teenagers LOL). There was often a palpable change in our interactions with each other when everyone had a chance to share good feelings.

In the middle of the meeting, we might have planned an upcoming vacation or a weekend outing. Family meetings are excellent opportunities to talk about schedules for the coming week, allowance, chores, screen time, and other household agreements. They can also teach children about respect and problem solving. Most importantly, family meetings give children a place to be heard and loved.

Other ideas for your meeting format can include:

  • Taking turns being the leader.
  • Reading the notes from last meeting.
  • Talking about old business.
  • Talking about new business.
  • Summarizing what everyone has agreed to do.

Once you have a routine in place, you can put the agenda on the fridge a few days before the meeting so everyone can add to it. I would keep the first couple meetings short and do something fun immediately after.

Would you like more information on ways to increase connections in your family? Check out The Parent Survival Basket, a 10-hour workshop offered privately or in a group at the Hallowell Todaro ADHD Center.

Different Learners by Jane Healy, Ph.D.

When I was asked to promote Jane Healy’s book, I hesitated because one, I hadn’t read it and two, I have never written a book review. But since I am a huge fan of two of her past books (Endangered Minds and Failure to Connect) I was curious to read a book with a title that is intentionally ‘label free’. Within minutes I was hooked. Jane has done it again. She has the ability to turn science into practical, usable information while she is slowly selling you on a more holistic approach to supporting different learners.

My training as a PCI Certified Parent Coach has taught me to embrace the family as a living systems model and look beyond the child’s behavior (that’s generally why parents seek coaching in the first place), but I look at the whole family, environmental issues, day to day stressors, the child’s learning environment, etc. Jane completely supports that approach when trying to determine if a child has a learning issue and whether it is the result of genes, brain chemistry, environment or lifestyle.

I found myself nodding in agreement with her firm stance on limiting media in a child’s life and how we need to get our kids outside more often enjoying and exploring nature. And stress – painfully I have watched the detrimental effects on my own children. Jane makes several convincing arguments for why we need to slow it down, especially for students who learn differently. So many of them give up.

Jane does an excellent job describing the latest research on the brain in language that even I could comprehend – never did develop that analytical side of my brain! She talks about medication and rightly questions the amount of drugs prescribed to children. As parents we want our children to fit in and find success in school, but often medication is prescribed too quickly as a remedy. As Jane says, “In my opinion, expediency, convenience, or outside pressure are very lame reasons for messing around with your child’s brain chemistry.”

In her chapter “How Your Child’s Brain Works” she devotes the last few pages to motivation. I hear too often, ‘If he were just more motivated . . . “ So we tell our child to get motivated which Jane feels is “a waste of breath”. Jane has a few more thoughts about motivation – this is my favorite:

“One major reason for ‘motivation’ problems is that school curricula are often too rigid to accommodate a student’s need to learn differently and to repeat things for mastery. Policy makers, take note: expecting all students to achieve mastery without adequate support is a recipe for the ultimate motivation problem, dropping out.” (my emphasis)

I particularly liked her chapter on stress. She outlines the stressors our children face in this culture such as school, bullying, and social networking – factors that clearly contribute to an overload on the developing brain. I’m glad she advocates for slowing it down especially for teens. As parents we can become oblivious to what I describe as the silent stressors in our children’s lives such as Facebook, texting, and the Internet. I appreciate that Jane gives parents permission to set appropriate limits on the use of media while providing up-to-date research on screen exposure and guidelines from the American Academy of Pediatrics.

The Appendices are as important as the rest of the book so don’t overlook those at the end. Jane provides a list of known learning disabilities. And she walks parents through the process of diagnosis with strong recommendations to get second and third opinions if necessary. And if you are like me and have a hard time with ‘psycho babble’ she recommends finding an advocate for yourself and your child.

Parents will find this book user friendly as well as a ‘call to action’. For all of us who are parents with different learners – Jane is our ‘Oprah’. She completely understands what it’s like to both be a child with learning differences and a parent who is struggling to get answers. Here’s one ‘call to action’: She encourages parents to advocate for those parents who cannot advocate for themselves. After reading this book those who learn easily will have a deeper understanding for parents of children who learn differently.  “We say we care deeply about our children’s learning. But do we care enough to do what needs to be done?”

From all of us, . . . thank you, Jane.

Kids With ADHD More Likely To Be Hit By Cars: Study

Catherine Pearson

Catherine.Pearson@huffingtonpost.com

Children with attention deficit hyperactivity disorder may be at greater risk for being hit by a car when crossing the street. A new study suggests that because of differences in their ability to perceive risk, children with ADHD may choose to cross the street when it is less safe, even if they follow safety protocol like checking both ways.

“They are looking,” explained Despina Stavrinos, assistant professor at the University of Alabama Birmingham’s Injury Control Center and the study’s lead author. “But they are failing to see. Just like distracted drivers, they are going through the motions, but they are not actually processing the risk.”

To better understand the potential dangers of street crossing, researchers from the University of Alabama at Birmingham looked at 78 children, 39 of whom had ADHD-C — a subtype that includes both inattention as well as hyperactivity and impulsivity issues — and 39 of whom did not. The children were between 7 and 10, the age at which The American Academy of Pediatrics states it may be okay for children to be unsupervised pedestrians.

In a simulator that mimicked a typical street scene, the children were given 10 different street crossing scenarios. Researchers found that those with ADHD performed as well as non-ADHD participants in terms of looking both ways before crossing. However, when it came time to actually cross, those with ADHD picked smaller gaps in oncoming traffic, had more “close calls” and gave themselves less time to reach the other end of the crosswalk before traffic approached.

“We thought we might see that the kids with ADHD might not look left and right, but they are displaying that appropriate safety behavior,” Stavrinos said. “That points to an underlying mechanism in the executive functioning control center in the brain that affects processing so they can’t necessarily assess the risk.”

In 2009, a Canadian study gave several possibilities for why children with ADHD might have such difficulties, suggesting that they might overestimate their physical abilities when it comes time to weigh risks. That same study also found that children with ADHD might not have actually perceived any consequences for engaging in a risky behavior.

“What this suggests is that our typical programs that say, ‘You must do it this way,’ don’t work,” said Beth Bruce, Ph.D, of Dalhousie University, who wrote the Canadian study. “These studies — and there need to be more — suggest that there is a different way of processing,” she continued, adding that these issues are not necessarily unique to ADHD.

The potential implications of such risk-taking behavior are serious: According to the Centers for Disease Control, unintentional injury is the leading cause of death in children. And a growing body of scientific literature suggests that children with behavioral disorders, including ADHD, are more likely to suffer injury than those without the disorder.

So what can be done?

Parents of children with ADHD should increase supervision, said Dr. Steven Meyers, a professor of psychology at Roosevelt University and a Chicago-based clinical psychologist. He said that “over-practicing” of certain safety behaviors is essential, so that they become second-nature in children.

“It’s not an issue of not knowing what the right behaviors are,” he explained. “The impairment is largely in the area of impulsivity, of disregarding what they know.”

Pediatrician Dr. Alanna Levine added that observed crossing from afar can be a good way for parents to gradually gauge if their child is ready to make the appropriate decision, traffic-wise. She cautioned that the children in the University of Alabama at Birmingham study were not taking medication to treat their disorder at the time, adding that researchers are not yet clear as to what the impact of medication on risk-taking behaviors might be.

In the meantime, Stavrinos said that parents should be aware that differences in the executive functioning control center of the brain may mean their children need a street-crossing program that is unique to them.

“The biggest take-home message is that the things we do to teach about crossing safely may not be enough,” she said.

Your Brain is a Rain Forest

Your Brain is a Rain Forest by Thomas Armstrong – Reprinted from Ode Magazine

Imagine for a moment that our society has been transformed into a culture of flowers. Now let’s say for the sake of argument that the psychiatrists are the roses. Visualize a gigantic sunflower coming into the rose psychiatrist’s office. The psychiatrist pulls out his diagnostic tools and in a matter of a half an hour or so has come up with a diagnosis: “You suffer from hugism. It’s a treatable condition if caught early enough, but alas, there’s not too much we can do for you at this point in your development. We do, however, have some strategies that can help you learn to cope with your disorder.” The sunflower receives the suggestions and leaves the doctor’s consulting room with its brilliant yellow and brown head hanging low on its stem.

Next on the doctor’s schedule is a tiny bluet. The rose psychiatrist gives the bluet a few diagnostic tests and a full physical examination. Then it renders its judgment: “Sorry, bluet, but you have GD, or growing disability. We think it’s genetic. However, you needn’t worry. With appropriate treatment, you can learn to live a productive and successful life in a plot of well-drained sandy loam somewhere.”

The bluet leaves the doctor’s office feeling even smaller than when it came in. Finally, a calla lily enters the consulting room and the psychiatrist needs only five minutes to determine the problem: “You have PDD, or petal deficit disorder. This can be controlled, though not cured, with a specially designed formula. In fact, my local herbicide representative has left me with some free samples if you’d like to give them a try.”

These scenarios sound silly, but they serve as a metaphor for how our culture treats neurological differences in human beings these days. Instead of celebrating the natural diversity inherent in human brains, too often we medicalize and pathologize those differences by saying, “Johnny has autism. Susie has a learning disability. Pete suffers from attention deficit hyperactivity disorder.”

Imagine if we did this with cultural distinctions (“People from Holland suffer from altitude deprivation syndrome”) or racial differences (“Eduardo has a pigmentation disorder because his skin isn’t white”). We’d be regarded as racists and nationalists. Yet, with respect to the human brain, this sort of thinking goes on all the time under the aegis of “objective” science.

The lessons we have learned about biodiversity and cultural and racial diversity need to be applied to the human brain. We need a new field of neurodiversity that regards human brains as the biological entities they are, and appreciates the vast natural differences that exist from one brain to another regarding sociability, learning, attention, mood and other important mental functions.

Instead of pretending that hidden away in a vault somewhere is a perfectly “normal” brain, to which all other brains must be compared (e.g., the rose psychiatrist’s brain), we need to admit that there is no standard brain, just as there is no standard flower, or standard cultural or racial group, and that, in fact, diversity among brains is just as wonderfully enriching as biodiversity and the diversity among cultures and races.  Read more . . .